<::||02.376 Private Logs||::>

[Das]

UNIT: 376
DIVISION: APEX
CLEARANCE: 03

Enter Password: ************

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New File Started: Private Log 0000001
Subject: Private Logs

This is my first log, I've always been meaning to write them but I haven't found the time. Being in the CCA is a great honor, and I get to do what I love: punishing criminals. I recently received a tanto from GEAR, along with a balisong. I always loved knives, I don't know why. I haven't gotten a chance to use them, but I hope to soon. I'm getting a bit more comfortable with tortures, and amputations, to the point where I'm starting to develop a style of torture. I try to cause the most pain, with the least amount of damage. That's the good part, now for the bad part.

I feel like I'm starting to fade away. I feel like I'm losing what makes me who I am, and it scares me. I can barely remember my father's voice, my time in high school, the name of my favorite college professor. Small things, but it scares me to no end. I feel things less than I did before, my emotions are starting to dim slightly... It's so hard to describe. They seem to just be less... Less than they were. I dread the day I wake up with no emotions, the day I become like a machine. I've seen Overwatch soldiers, how they show no emotion, how they move like machines. They scare me, but I can't help pity them, just a little.

So that's it for now I guess, I hope my fears don't become reality. The thing that scares me most is that if I do end up feeling nothing, I won't even care. I already live for the job, but I'd rather the job not live for me, if you can even call it living. 376 out.

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[Bromine]

Lol, I made you those knives! 

[Das]

Lol, I made you those knives! 

Technically you only made me the tanto, the balisong was in stock.

[Bromine]

I should have charged you for it. Lol

[Das]

UNIT: 376
DIVISION: APEX
CLEARANCE: 03

Enter Password: ************

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New File Started: Private Log 0000002
Subject: Private Logs

I saw a recruit break down after an amputation today, first person he ever killed. 117 told him to do it, and he did, took him a while but he pulled that trigger. Afterwards he had a little breakdown, his mask hid his face, so I couldn't tell if he was crying. Strange, I was never like that after my first amputation, sure I felt guilt, remorse, but those were just passing feelings, they faded like dust in a breeze. Was I jaded before I even joined the CCA? God I hope not. 117 was there when the recruit broke down, and he just watched, feeling nothing at all, like a robot, a drone. Just that brought my fears back, that soon I'l be like him, that soon I'll lose who I am. But I've seen those people who are 01s, and they still have some emotion, from what I've seen. Maybe I won't lose who I am. I'm... I'm just tired of being afaid. Part of me wants to give in, let who I am wash away, let myself become how they shape me. But that's just a small part.

I've been doing exercises durring my off hours, focussing on remembering things, things that I forget off hand, like the street I lived on, the schools I went to, the name of my first dog. The more I practice, the more it comes back to me. I also bring back memories that stirr emotion, like a birthday party, the day my dog died, and other memories that bring back all those emotions. I think it's getting better, I can remember more, feel more, everything its better. It's like all the colors got a little bit more bold. I need to keep it up, soon things will be back to normal.

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[Das]

UNIT: 376
DIVISION: APEX
CLEARANCE: 03

Enter Password: ************

ACCESS GRANTED

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New File Started: Private Log 0000003
Subject: Private Logs

Another boring day. No High Command active to promote me to 02. It's been a while now, and I'm trying to be patient but it's just so hard. The longer I wait, the more angry I get. That's a blessing in a way, at least I can feel anger. Things in the old brain are still doing fine, emotions, memories, determination, it's all there.
Oh, wait, I almost forgot. I decided to let a recruit beat an anti-citizen, I figure he had to get used to that sort of thing. It got to the point where I told him to stop, and he just had to have one last whack. Guess what? He killed him, beat him to death. I swear, recruits are getting more sadistic all the time. Last time I ever let one do a level 2 verdict. It's more about control than anything, you always need to maintain self control.

Also, I had a dream, which is strange, because I almost never have them. This one was... Dark, to say the least. It started with a memory, of me and my dad playing catch. We were tossing a baseball back and forth. All of a sudden I had a gun in my hand, and 040 was standing next to me, telling me to shoot my father, or face amputation. So I did, I shot him right in the chest. He was lying on the round, bleeding, and he uttered a single word before dying... "Why?" he asked, that was it, just that. I woke up in my pod with tears streaming down my face. I think this job is putting a lot of stress on me, I think I'll be in stasis a while longer, take some pressure off, but then again, I need that promotion. We'll see I guess.

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[Calstifer]

I was the RCT in BOTH of thoes situations. I was a bit saddistic because my char was almsot angry from two amputations in one day, and then from the knife wound. He just sort of lost it again. I'm planning on my char to not become more ruthless, but more professional as he get promoted. When he's 04 He'll wince at amputations, but still proform them.

[Micken Mouse]

I love these, how many more are you planning to make?

[chunkeymonkey79]

040- killing dads and breaking hearts since 2015.

[Martinerrr]

Oh, wait, I almost forgot. I decided to let a recruit beat an anti-citizen, I figure he had to get used to that sort of thing. It got to the point where I told him to stop, and he just had to have one last whack. Guess what? He killed him, beat him to death. I swear, recruits are getting more sadistic all the time. Last time I ever let one do a level 2 verdict. It's more about control than anything, you always need to maintain self control.

That is one of a few examples why RCT's should have harder applications..
They need to know how to RP and what to do, an RCT is just a man in the suit, everyone knows.
That man still has a lot of feelings, he suffers, he has sympathy etc. Yet they think they're boss and smack them because they're so washed and so controlled..

[Das]

040- killing dads and breaking hearts since 2015.

Yeah, 376 is gonna be pretty intimidated around 040 now, even though it was a dream, it still scared the fuck out of her.

[Pielolz]

// I'll make you a knife you cant refuse

[Calstifer]

That is one of a few examples why RCT's should have harder applications..
They need to know how to RP and what to do, an RCT is just a man in the suit, everyone knows.
That man still has a lot of feelings, he suffers, he has sympathy etc. Yet they think they're boss and smack them because they're so washed and so controlled..

I know how to RP Martiner - You just don't know my char's background.

1: He was already a hard person before he joined the CCA (Was completly fine with Level 3 verdicts, and was only slightly hesistant with level 2).

2: He had proformed 2 amputates that day under the command of the NOVA DvL (Which was some of the best RP i'd ever done.) My characer reacted the 2nd time with anger rather than remorce - He was angry at himself for doing all this.

3: The person he accidently beat to death he was angry at as well - He'd stabbed 2 officers inc himself, and two civilians. He vented all the anger of the past two days.

Additionally, it was the other guy who suggested that for better RP. I didn't go DERPDERP and fire stunstick lazers, I did one final hit and we pretended that he was killed from that. It made realy good RP, and developed my character realy well.

And finally, speaking of bad RP, 376 wanted to revive him and torture him more. We had to pretty much restrain him from doing it.

[Das]

// I'll make you a knife you cant refuse

What kind of knife?

[Pielolz]

//The Devil: Four Feet of gleeming steel, hollowed out and filled with mercury to improve kill strength (Sense mercury is a liquid metal it'd swing a lot HARDER) BUT if four feet is too big for you, I can size it down to 22 inches