Now, you may ask why I post this and lock it. This post is for me and me alone. I need this for myself, not to have you guys (and the few girls) commenting and shit. I ask other admins to take heed and not post.
My life is shit. Sure some parts are good, but most of it is complete shit or leads to shit. Work? Shit. I enjoy my job yeah, but I make myself too available and am relied upon way too often. I mean really? Out of the thousands of employees you have to call me every damn time? I can understand for certain things, or if the client needs certain requirements met or is specialized and you've spent the time to have me trained in it. But for the random ass shit? Why? Call on someone else. I'm tired of it.
School? Also shit. I pay my own way through, but I'm a lazy mother fucker. I've not been in months, maybe even a year now. That is going to change. Part of the issue is I'm lazy. Part is I feel I know the shit so I don't do it seriously. And part is because I am not disciplined enough to do the courses properly and I make up excuses (that are legitimate but I can work around.) "Oh, I work too much, I don't have time to go to class." Bullshit. Up until recently I have been working weekends and had 4 weekdays free to go. "Gas costs too much." Again, bullshit. I expense more than I use for gas SPECIFICALLY for school.
I need to face it. I'm lazy and I need to change that fact. Sure, I work a lot. But when it comes to what I NEED to do rather than what I am doing? Lazy mother fucker. If I wasn't lazy, I would be in a good career. Not a job, a career. I'd be making more than my current job (which is decent, but still. I don't want to be a security guard my entire life.) Hell, I could practically do what I've always dreamed I'd do if I had a good career. Even entry level is 6-8 times better pay than my current job.
But what am I doing? I'm in a dead end job, working too damn hard for too little pay in something I can't make a life out of. And for what? To pay for a school I don't even go to?
FUCK THAT
Starting today, September 11th, I am changing that. If it isn't today, then before the week end I will be back in school as an active student. I will tell the scheduling department to fuck off. And most importantly, I will quit being a lazy fuck.
That's not even half my shit each day though. Then I have to deal with myself. I'm a fat fuck. I wish I wasn't. What am I doing about it? Until recently NOTHING. For the past few months though that has began to change, but it's not enough. I need to get off my ass and get shit done so that I can actually get healthy and not have to be a fatass having to shop at the big and tall and paying three times as much for the same damn thing at walmart just to get my size.
I'm tired of being out of breath and out of shape. I want to be able to walk and run without having to stop to catch my breath. I want to be able to not have to worry if I ever want to go swimming. I want to not have to worry about what chairs I sit in and have to sit down gingerly or the seat will break. I want to be fucking healthy.
Starting today I will change that. I will do what I need to to be able to make myself healthy again.
That's not even everything. I keep asking myself one question each and every day. I never have an answer.
Why the FUCK do I have this issue. Why the FUCK do I keep coming back?
Why am I here? I deal with constant shit, and yet I stay. Why the FUCK do I stay in Garry's Mod and Catalyst Gaming?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to up and leave. I just have to ask myself why I came back. Why I am still here. Why I deal with the shit that all the members decide that I am the one to push it on. But I do know one thing: Fuck if I let it affect me any more.
I'm done with this shit. Catalyst Gaming, Garry's Mod, Minecraft, Steam. Fuck you all. You're not going to take over anymore. You are not important to my life. You don't control what I do now, I refuse to allow myself to sink further into the hole. You are last.
FUCK THIS
Starting today:
- Fuck my current job and the shit they make me deal with.
- Fuck my lazy ass and the shit I allow myself to deal with.
- Fuck my lazy shit that allows me to push off school like it's unimportant.
- Fuck being an unhealthy fat fuck.
- Fuck letting games take over my life.
Starting today:
- I will better myself by getting back into and finishing school.
- I will say no when they call me last minute for work.
- I will control my schedule and not allow it to control me.
- I will become healthy and loose weight.
- I will prioritize my shit and not allow shit to prioritize me.
Starting today:
I will act.
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