Right, heres a.. thing I wrote about my depression for the few who care here.

[LoNeDeStRoYeR]

My depression is getting bad, really really bad...

These past two weeks have been an absolute hell inside my mind, it races, it spins, it operates so fast my thoughts cant process... There's so much going through my head I just feel like i'm trapped in an inescapable cloud of hopelessness. every moment i'm bombarded with thought after thought of what I can and cant do, my situations that are going on, memories of friends or people i want to be friends with... just... everything...

Ive been feeling increasingly lonely, people I try and try to become friends with seem to never respond or just don't seem very interested in being friends with me... I feel ignored and hated from it, and like there's no point in me trying and failing anymore, because it seems as if i'll never win, never succeed... never have true friends. I have been manipulated, made fun of, betrayed, outcast, and treated like absolute shit my ENTIRE life. I don't even know what I do.. people will turn from someone I consider a good friend to a complete asshole out of nowhere, showing sudden and large disinterest in ever speaking to me again... People will NEVER tell me when I ask what I did so i won't do it anymore... What do I even do? I'm as nice as a person could be, a loyal friend who wont betray trust or give away secrets, i'm completely open and will not judge, no matter what the person says... I put other peoples happiness over my own, and will always do my best to cheer a person up, no matter how upset or depressed I myself am feeling. Am I too clingy? Do other people NOT enjoy talking daily to friends? Am I just a social idiot who cant understand things? It drives me crazy.... I think about it every day and i cannot figure it out! A lifetime full of being socially out-casted by people, taken advantage of for their kindness and willingness to share, being stabbed in the back and betrayed by the people who you considered your best friends time and time again... Its lead to me developing an EXTREMELY bad social paranoia where... I regard everything I do as wrong, My self esteem is as low as a persons can go, i consider myself one of the worst people to be around... because its how i've been treated my entire life. I CONSTANTLY worry, more than anything else, that the few people who I do consider my friend at the time and are actually willing to talk to me will suddenly up and leave, not wanting to do anything with me in the future... im always worrying that I will do something that makes them mad at me or lessens their opinion of me... To sum it up, I am basically paranoid about being hated by my friends. I have never been in a relationship before, where I know being in one would help me.. a lot. I feel like i never WILL be in one because I am too shy to ask a girl out due to fear of rejection, so my mind has been waiting until I KNOW the girl will say yes before I do ask... but Nobody has ever told me that they would be willing to... except for one, who said they would if they didn't live halfway across the world. I don't even care how far they are anymore, I just need SOMEONE... Someone I know I can trust and that htey can trust me, and that I know they care for once...

I feel absolutely hopeless in life from all this... I have an asshole dad who yells at me daily with extreme anger management problems and an over-controlling ego. He assumes he knows everything about me and whats wrong with me when he doesn't even have a clue based on how he acts... And hes even caused me to be sent to a mental hospital because of a particularly bad fight where he persisted and persisted and was constantly yelling at me four almost two hour... where I was pushed past the edge and threatened to kill myself if he didn't stop. My family acts like they hate me, except for my grandparents and my mom. I can't go to my grandparents for emotional things, as they are unable to help for reasons I would rather not explain right now. Mostly because i don't know exactly HOW I could explain it. The only person I CAN go to is my Mom, who is currently homeless, and has had her phone taken away.. so I have no contact with her expect for the once every week or so she stops by to say hi. I have been unable to find a good therapist for over a year now, every one Ive gone too either caring only about money or being unable to see me as much as i need to be seen (Thank Kaiser for that). Overall, I feel like the options for me anymore are dwindling further and further away.

I have really been fighting for the will to simply live anymore, It takes me hours every day to force my body to get up, I've been increasingly lazy when it comes to cleaning up after myself (Which drives me crazy because I want to, but cant force my body to, And being a bit of a neat freak and organization freak I am it really isn't a good combo.) I'm honestly to the point where I'm just starting to give up on life, if things don't change soon i'm not sure whats going to happen. I honestly am starting to lose any will left that I still have to fight with, where I want to just take the easy way out... and the seemingly only way out. I need help, I truly do, but the only way I can be helped anymore is by people being there and being good friends, ones I can talk to daily and get along with... and ones that are willing to support and help me, willing to let me vent and just be there for me like I am to all of my friends... And to be in a relationship... but... I'm not sure if that will ever happen... Because it seems any girl that I like and try to actually get the will to ask out gets in a relationship days later... I'm not sure if it's bad luck on my part or just the world toying with me. It all just seems so far fetched to even hope for anymore...

Long story short, I need help, and fast. i'm losing the will to live and fight anymore, and am seriously getting close to ultimately giving up. It's a wonder i've even lasted this long so far...

[Darkshifter98]

Wow, Lone, if I had known that you were feeling like this... I mean, I don't want to make excuses, and I want to help in anyway I can, weather it be on CG PM, over Steam, or hell, even Facebook if you really wanted to add me. Personally, I know how you feel in the relationship issue, I haven't had a girlfriend yet and I'm in the 8th grade, everyone around me is in a relationship, and it gnaws at me because they have someone to talk to, someone to share their feelings with, and I'm just that nerdy kid no one's intrested in. But back on topic, if you seriously need someone to talk to, please, by the gods of Sarvengard, don't hesitate to talk to me. I really hope you feel better soon, Lone, your a cool dude and your fun to play with, ranging from APB to gmod.
Get well soon, bud, and remember, I'm always there for you if you need someone to talk to/vent.

[JF]

My brother is going through some shit atm too. He has been hearing voices in his head, self harming, has obsessive compulsive disorder, writing very weird shit to his 'Friends' online and in his notebook, getting drunk, isolating himself and lastly saying he will kill himself.
He started seeing a counselor a few months back but he says it hasn't helped him. He then ran away the other day in temperatures of -3 and at 01:00. We called the police, searced for him, called friends and family to ask if they had seen him etc. He ran from the police once they caught up with him 7.5 miles from our house and could have easily died because he jumped a fence that had a 6 foot drop. He has scars on his back, hands and sides because of running.
The cops would not let us bring him home because of his mental state so they took him to hospital and called an emergency psychiatrist because of the state he was in.
He is now going to see a doctor and might be prescribed anti-depresents because of his mental state.

I say all of this because I know what it is like being on the outside. You can get help, you can get out of this. You don't need to kill yourself Lone. You're still young. Sure, you've maybe had a shit life up untill now but life can and will get better if you seek the propper help. Stop thinking about what other cunts think of you. I know EXACTLY what it is like to have people not like you because you are different or don't conform to their pathetic, shallow standards. People that you are so nice to and try and get to know just push you away because you're not how they want you to be. I've been down that road and it doesn't work trying to fit in with what they want. FUCK THEM and make friends that will take you for who you are, not who they want you to be. You're only going to end up hurting yourself more by trying to change to what they want.

I don't want you hurt, just like I don't want my brother to be hurt. It fucks with me just thinking that my brother might do something to himself. I can't know what you're going through, but I do know what it is like to see someone you care so much about spiraling out of control. I love my brother more than anything and it would almost literally end my life if he died or changed to the point that he wasn't the brother I knew anymore.
You must not hurt or kill yourself Lone because you don't have to. People love and care about you and I know that if your mum loves you, then she would be destroyed by you dying or hurting yourself. Just remember that she is probably going through a lot right now and if you do something to yourself then think of what it will do to her (Not emotional blackmail, just the truth). I know what it would do to me if I was here.

I say this as a person concerned; You need propper psychiatric help. Not a counselor or anything like that. You need full psychiatric help if you are this depressed and are thinking of taking your own life. Don't just take my words and dismiss them. You must act before something pushes you over the edge and you do something to yourself.

Another thing. Don't just accept any person to be your friend or partner. Make sure they are right for you because i've seen what happens if you just go with the one that is most available. It almost destroyed my brother when his relationship of 2 years ended. She and the breakup had a massive effect on my brothers mental state. Make ABSOLUTELY sure they are right for you!

No tl;dr because it is important that you read it.

[LoNeDeStRoYeR]

thanks dark, I appreciate it..

And jigger, I am actually on some pretty strong antidepressants...
I read the entire post you wrote, and I understand what you mean by some things... such as dont just let anyone be your friend and such.. I know that from experience... I think..
And i agree with you that I need help, I really need it. bad. But... I just cant seem to find it.
I would write more but im extremely light-headed and unable to properly think

[JF]

thanks dark, I appreciate it..

And jigger, I am actually on some pretty strong antidepressants...
I read the entire post you wrote, and I understand what you mean by some things... such as dont just let anyone be your friend and such.. I know that from experience... I think..
And i agree with you that I need help, I really need it. bad. But... I just cant seem to find it.
I would write more but im extremely light-headed and unable to properly think

Do you feel that anyone you know can help you or get you the help you need?

[Penguin]

Well, I dont know what to say besides suicide isnt the way out. I have seen the effects of suicide on people's family, friends, and school. The school will here about it and its just a sob story after that. Suicide will most likely depress your family even if they "hate" you. Just dig deep in your heart and think about the effect it has on others. Suicide is very self-centered imo. I am not here to sob and feel pitty for you, the fact that you have a computer and internet is a god damn blessing right there. Many people are homeless and have no family, there parents abandoned them at birth That is fucking depressing not even having a family, I think that you should recollect on your blessings and to not take them for granted it could be a hell of a lot worse. This isn't flaming or trolling it straight up cold, hard facts. I understand it's hard not seeing your mother, but what should she have to live for if she lost you?

[LoNeDeStRoYeR]

@Jigger no, i dont... I wish I did...

@Penguin People tell me that all the time... it doesnt help

[Penguin]

@Jigger no, i dont... I wish I did...

@Penguin People tell me that all the time... it doesnt help

Bro, try talking to your dad, it may sound crazy but he may feel your pain and calm down.

[LoNeDeStRoYeR]

Oh, believe me... I have tried... MANY times in MANY different ways...

[Penguin]

Oh, believe me... I have tried... MANY times in MANY different ways...

Well looks like you need to make some friends, beleive me  when I say you are better of than 80% of the world.

[Technical Abbreviations]

Im not one to go into long posts, particularly on certain subjects but... As you know Lone, Ive been going through some similar things, including the idea of ending my life. And to be honest, not to sound like a creep, but youre  the one who kept me from that, seeing as youre the person Ive actually held the longest conversation with, throughout my entire life. Its something I still consider, but not like I was at least, the specifics of which I would rather not go into on the general forums... And the social paranoia bit... goddamn story of my life. Already this year ive missed too many days of school to even consider passing (1 week out of the entire semester), with a PINS already filed against me. Im starting to make this sound more about me so I guess ill just end this post on a final note. Finding the right, not just a good, therapist is defiantly important Lone. Even though i hardly say more than 3 words at once, it feels like a weight lifted off my shoulders.

[Uubucks]

I've thought about suicide before ;_;

Dad had a bottle of Everclear(190 proof version, illegal is most areas) and I thought about grabbing my medicine and drinking it, lol.  Right now, that I look back, it was a very stupid thought)

I know what it is like to have problems with your parents.

My mother is usually very helpful and understanding.

My Dad can be a little, tough, and uncaring sometimes.

[Rory]

Simply get professional help. That's it.

So, if they put you in the hospital for a week or put you on medication. That's JUST a recommendation.

The only thing the internet can do is tell you what we have been through and what we think about you... What happened to me was mental issues. You... Get help, thats what i did and it worked.

Hiding is it the last thing you want to do.

I don't want to be mean at all, but thats what you gotta do sometimes. Even though i've been a dick before, you seem like this IS really serious. Which is why you need professional help. The internet is the last place you want to share this with.